You pray and you pray, sometimes for days, sometimes for weeks and sometimes even years and nothing seems to change. You go to church and sit in Bible classes where people talk about prayer and relying on God and they respond with all of the pat church responses and inside you want to scream and say "live my life, and then tell me how much all those pat answers mean to you." Have you ever been there? I have...sometimes I still am....
It's during those times that I think I sometimes forget that God never leaves us. I don't believe I ever lose faith, but I struggle sometimes with how strong my faith may be. I find solace during those times mostly in my worship to God, in singing praises to Him. I have prayed scriptures before and one of my most favorite things to do now is to pray songs during worship. I insert names or circumstances into songs during worship and those songs take on a whole new meaning. They comfort me in ways that nothing else can. But even though I feel God's comfort through my worship sometimes I still find myself asking, "God, where are you?"
I've been realizing lately that God has been trying to get through to me, that I'm not alone. Pat has preached several sermons lately that have brought that to my attention again, but still I seem to push it aside. I know He's there, but sometimes I just need to feel it in a more profound way.
While getting one of our bedrooms ready for our kids to stay in while they were here for Christmas, I ran across a note-card that I didn't even know I still had. It was a comment I had written down from Rob Bell when we saw him a few months ago. It says "God came into the world and screamed along side of us. The cross is God's way of saying, I know how you feel."
When I read that, I thought wow... all those times I am crying out or even screaming out to God where are you, He's right there screaming along side of me, saying to me I know how you feel. I know that in my darkest times, I am really not alone, that God is always there, but there is a different kind of comfort in thinking about God being there screaming out with you.
As we celebrated Christmas with our kids, family and friends, I thought about the love we all share. I am so thankful for the special times when all of our kids are here and we are together and it reminds me that God is always here. Even when we feel alone, even when it seems like He's not there or He's not listening, He's always there, crying with us and telling us He knows how we feel.
I'm sure there will still be times when I'm screaming out, and maybe even still asking the question "God, where are you?" But I pray that I will remember that I am not alone... that God is there... and that's He's screaming along with me reminding me that He knows how I feel.
I do believe, help me overcome my unbelief